He Doesn’t Love Us—He Owns Us: What It Means to Be Governed by Abusers
A nation trapped in the cycle of abuse deserves the same clarity, compassion, and action we offer survivors.
What Does an Abuser Look Like?
Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That?, writes that men who abuse women don’t do so because they’re out of control. They do it because they believe they are entitled to control. Their worldview is shaped by dominance, not partnership. By punishment, not negotiation. By possession, not respect.
The Duluth Power and Control Model breaks this behavior down into clear tactics:
Coercion and threats
Economic abuse
Isolation
Gaslighting and blame
Emotional degradation
Use of children as leverage
Intimidation
Male privilege
These are not the side effects of abuse. They are abuse.
And right now, they are also the playbook of the Republican Party’s leadership and its standard-bearers—from the leaders of the administration to the women who enforce these patterns on their behalf.
When the Nation Becomes the Target
So what happens when abusers scale up?
What happens when a man doesn’t just control one woman but believes he owns a nation?
We know because we’re living it.
The Power & Control Wheel now looks like this:
Each of these wedges now maps onto real decisions, headlines, and threats. Here are a few examples—with citations:
🛑 Coercion & Threats
Trump repeatedly threatened government shutdowns and economic catastrophe to get his way—most recently during his push to gut social programs during the debt ceiling standoff NBC News, 2023.
He has also said there would be “bedlam” if he loses again The Guardian, 2023.
💣 Intimidation
He publicly mocks survivors, journalists, and political opponents. He used federal officers to attack peaceful protestors in Lafayette Square NPR, 2020.
He told supporters to “fight like hell” or “you won’t have a country anymore” Washington Post, 2021.
💸 Economic Abuse
He defunded the Affordable Care Act, cut Medicaid outreach, and tried to eliminate SNAP benefits Reuters, 2020.
Under his direction, the GOP passed a massive tax bill that rewarded the wealthy and gutted working-class support Tax Policy Center, 2018.
👩 Using Male Privilege
Trump once said: “I alone can fix it” [RNC, 2016]. He demanded “loyalty” from officials [Comey Testimony, 2017], stacked the Supreme Court with men hostile to women’s rights, and surrounded himself with women like Amy Coney Barrett and Kristi Noem—who defend the same systems of control while enforcing them on other women.
🧠 Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming
From calling COVID a hoax to denying election results to blaming immigrants for his failures, Trump has built an empire of gaslighting. His supporters now repeat his talking points like trauma-bonded partners defending the man who hurts them.
I Know This Pattern
I am a survivor of child abuse and partner abuse, and I know women who have survived every kind of harm: emotional, economic, social, psychological, physical, and sexual.
I know what it’s like to be told what you can eat, what you can wear, who you can talk to—and how to vote.
And I know what it means to keep showing up for the people still trapped in it.
Survivors understand this dynamic intimately. The pull. The denial. The shame. The fear of being judged for staying too long. The silence that protects the abuser. The judgment that keeps us trapped.
And that is precisely what millions of people in this country are living through right now.
How We Help Someone Leave an Abuser
We don’t force her to wake up.
We don’t shame her for staying.
We name the pattern.
We validate the harm.
We stay present, even when she pushes us away.
We offer safety, clarity, and the reminder that she is not alone.
We build a bridge between the life she’s surviving and the one she could live.
That’s how you love someone out of abuse.
That’s how you do mutual aid.
And that’s what we must do now.
How We Apply It—Together
Nationally
Build networks of resistance rooted in healing, not just electoral strategy.
Fund independent media, education, and advocacy that name abuse and offer alternatives.
Treat authoritarianism not as an opinion but as an urgent threat to the safety of our communities.
Locally
Support people navigating disinformation and fear with compassion, not mockery.
Encourage collective care—housing, food access, harm reduction, mental health support—as survival tools.
Organize for policies that remove control from the abuser’s hands: reproductive rights, economic justice, and free expression.
Individually
Listen more than we lecture.
Invite, don’t isolate.
Offer information with tenderness, not superiority.
Be the friend who doesn’t give up—even when it’s hard.
This is Abuse. And We Do Not Have to Stay.
He is not strong.
He is not protecting us.
He is not misunderstood.
He is an abuser.
If we recognize the pattern, then we are responsible for ending it—not with punishment but with power—not just for ourselves but for the country still trying to break free.
We have done this before.
We can do it again.
Together.
🧭 Resources for Survivors, Advocates, and Allies
If this article resonated with your lived experience—or helped clarify what’s happening at a national level—please know that support and community are out there. Abuse is real, and you are not alone.
📞 Immediate Help
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 800-799-SAFE (7233)
Free, confidential, 24/7 support in English and Spanish
📚 Foundational Resources
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (full text)
Read the book online via Archive.org
A compassionate and eye-opening guide to understanding abusive men.Power and Control Wheel (Duluth Model)
Explore the model and resources
Used around the world to identify and intervene in cycles of abuse.
🤝 For Advocacy and Community Action
Futures Without Violence: National organization working to prevent and end violence through education, policy, and advocacy.
Mutual Aid Disaster Relief: Grassroots support for communities facing systemic harm and emergencies.